Blind as a Bat
by Zing-baby
Summary: Between dying and working for Cerberus, Shepard has begun to fear she is losing herself. Only her best friend can help her retain her sanity. But in the midst of comfort, they discover together that they are meant to hold more than that. Shoker, Rated M.
1. Chapter 1: Lost

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect. Thank you BioWare for this gift. LOVES!**

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**Chapter 1: Lost**

_"I am not afraid to show you who I am,_

_And I am not ashamed of my life._

_Though I've walked alone down this cold and soulless road,_

_I've always felt you here, in my bones." _

_-Blind as a Bat,_ Meat Loaf

***

"It's really quiet."

Commander Shepard had nearly whispered, but her voice still thundered through the stillness of the cockpit, contrasting her point and punctuating it at the same time. Joker was startled briefly by the noise before realizing what it was he'd heard.

"The calm before the storm, Commander," he offered to her. "In which you should be sleeping," he added as an afterthought.

"Too restless… my mind won't settle."

"We've got about another twelve hours before we can hit a fuel port, then we can head for the relay… Now's the best time for sleep." Still, he gestured lightly with one hand to the chair in front of the navigation station behind him. He muttered a quick command to EDI to take control of main drives before turning his chair to face her.

Joker wondered how many times she actually had this problem. Probably less than should be considered normal, being who she was. But no one can always be as composed as she pretended to be. It was with a little bit of warmth (and heaviness), that he understood he had probably become the easiest person for her to come to. He was never out in the field, so she'd never have to worry about her thoughts weighing too distractedly on him. And after everything that had happened…

Shepard smiled weakly at him, weariness showing in her eyes. But she sat in the seat he'd indicated and crossed her legs, sighing heavily. "I'd rather us both be sleeping," she admitted. "I'm going to need you at your best when we go through the Omega 4 relay. Someone else can handle fueling procedures until then. You should be resting."

Joker snorted lightly, though he knew it wasn't strong enough of a reaction to suggest she was wrong. "You come all the way down here to send me to bed?"

Shepard's smile faltered on her face. "No… I just… need someone to talk to, Joker."

It wasn't what he'd expected. But in retrospect, he supposed he should've guessed. Sometimes it was easy to forget that his commander was a woman, or even human. "You're worried about the mission, Shepard? We both know you can do this. You can do anything…"

Shepard laughed weakly in her throat and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "I can get an 'attagirl' from anyone, Joker."

_Then why look for me_? Joker's mind wanted to ask immediately. But due to the recent conditioning EDI had put him through, saying things in his head before out loud finally paid off. He didn't want to sound rude of course. There was a part of him that wanted to be there for her, he just wasn't sure how he could be. He'd always had a soft spot for her, but he'd been careful to keep it to himself. Unlike some of the others that had taken an… _interest_ in her.

He settled for an apologetic smile and turned in his chair to hit a nearby switch alerting EDI to close the door to the cockpit. He hoped it would help allow Shepard to speak freely. The commander looked upon the swooshing doors with appreciation.

Still, she didn't say anything for a long moment, and he waited patiently while taking in her distinctly human face. He took her silence as permission to really watch her. It had always been easy to see her as his commander. She had always stood above him, metaphorically and literally. But while she sat in the chair across from him, a leg pulled up to her chest with cracks of vulnerability seeping from her eyes, he got to see beyond it all.

She was younger and older at the same time than she should've been. Cerberus had erased her Mindiorian battle scars, her skin had tightened and then smoothed and was as fresh as a twenty-something girl. But her eyes and shoulders bore the weight of an older, tired woman. Without regulations on hair anymore Shepard had allowed hers to grow without bothering to put it up as she once might have. He'd never asked her about that change either… but it was such a personal thing. His heart, though his most hidden and protected organ, knew that perhaps she just didn't have the energy or drive to care enough for such trivial things. Sitting there he concluded that what Shepard really was, was beautiful. A puzzle, a painting, or a song you never really understood but still wanted to listen to over and over.

Finally she lifted her eyes to him and he realized he'd been staring. She remained that way for a moment, as if assessing him in the same way. He felt exposed, but then her gaze softened and she leaned forward on her arms.

"Everything has changed, Joker," she started, "I feel like I'm fighting the same battles over and over, but all the things that made it real to me, the emotion, the pride, the history between people," she breathed deeply, her forehead wrinkling lightly as she tried to find the right words. "It's all muddied. It's all fading. It's like it's just… a _job_ now. Something about it doesn't feel _right_. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't even know if I'm still me. The memories are there but… what makes me _me_ is fading away. I'm sometimes afraid I don't know who I am anymore."

Truth be told, Joker didn't know how to answer that. Instead he gave a tiny nod to encourage her to go on.

Her fingers absently went to her lips, to the place where a scar had once been when he'd first met her; A mark of proof from her childhood. Her eyes stared at nothing while she spoke. "And then Alenko… I remember waking up in that Cerberus facility and wondering what had happened to the team. I don't know anymore why I was so sure my best friend would drop everything and follow me as loyally as he once had. Maybe he was right… maybe I have changed."

Joker shook his head slowly. Maybe Shepard wanted him to argue? To tell her Alenko would come around? The former lieutenant had the commander were about as close as two people could get without being romantically involved. They were just friends, but they had been damn good ones. They'd been protective of each other, strong for each other. It was with regret that Joker realized who Shepard really needed on her crew was the man that had called her a traitor and had wished her an almost sarcastic amount of luck upon their parting.

But Joker couldn't lie to her… and there was reason he was content to let the newly promoted commander think he was really piloting private vessels rather than working with Cerberus. And under Shepard's command.

Instead he took a different approach. "Do you remember our first week back on the job? You asked me if I ever thought about the old Normandy and our old adventures."

Shepard came back to the present long enough to glance at her pilot curiously. "Yeah, I remember."

"Do you still miss it?"

She seemed to think about it for a minute, the galaxy slowing down to hear her words when she was finally ready to speak them. "Yes… I do. Even if we did get screwed by Udina, the Council, and everyone in between. We may have been misled, but we believed in what we were doing so _thoroughly.._."

Her eyes weakened again, and it was almost harder than having to watch her die from suffocation as his escape pod hummed safely away from the exploding debris of their old home. He leaned forward on his arms as well and reached for her hand, encasing it in one of his own. Her eyes shot to their fingers as he intertwined them, looking as if the touch were foreign to her. Then her other hand fell from its place on her mouth, and he took that one in his hands too.

"The point is that you still obviously have some of your old connections and your old feelings. You have to know that you're still you, deep down," he tried, lightly squeezing her hands in his.

She met his eyes, and he saw them glisten in a way that made it impossible to look away. "You're the oldest and closest friend I've got in the galaxy now, Joker," she said. "Someone told me recently that… 'once someone dies to you, they're always dead'. But you, you always knew. You knew Cerberus was rebuilding me, you were the first to be there when I needed loyalty…. You never gave up on me."

He cradled her hands in his, covering them completely with whatever warmth he could provide. "There are others… Garrus and Tali."

Shepard dropped her gaze, her mouth frowning slightly. "I do love them. I'd do anything for them. They're mine to keep and take care of.

"But they've changed. They're _harder_… more detached. You can see the innocence and hope dwindle in their faces. Like Liara… so scarred and disillusioned. Like they'd never see the sun again. I want to save this galaxy just for the mere chance to see them genuinely smile once more," Shepard huffed a weak laugh, "but I can't do that if I don't keep any hope for myself. I can feel myself _becoming_ like that, Joker." She met his eyes. "It scares me."

"Truly detached people don't care about becoming detached, Shepard," he pointed out.

She looked at him and tilted her head slightly. "You haven't changed. How?"

He smiled nervously, his thumb running over her knuckles. "You."

"Me?"

He didn't want her to feel guilty, but he knew what really separated him from the others was that he always knew she might come back. To Garrus and Tali, the galaxy had emptied after Shepard's death. He was the only one to see the future as having her in it. She hadn't really died to him. At least, not for as long as she had for everyone else. He probably would've ended up with Cerberus anyway, just for the fact that they let him fly. But knowing that he'd be serving with the one woman that could save civilization had kept him from falling into the grim defeatist form that the others had.

"You're my rock, Joker," Shepard finally said when he didn't answer. "The only thing that has stayed constant through this whole thing. The only thing that still feels like it belongs here as part of my life."

She was more amazing to him in that instant than she had ever been before. So real, but so special. Unique, but human. Flawed and vulnerable. It magnified how incredible it was that she had accomplished so much, and Joker swelled with pride as that hit him. "Thank you, Commander."

She smiled weakly at him. "Thank _you_."

There was a sweet moment that passed between them, and a strange emotion crept up to his stomach. He knew what it was, and it wasn't the first time she'd evoked that particular feeling in him. But it was the first time that he didn't dismiss it completely.

He swallowed and tore his gaze from hers, instead focusing on their intertwined hands. Sometime during their talk she had scooted forward in her seat and her knees were close to him now.

"Doesn't that make you feel more like you?" he asked.

He didn't see the way her face lightened ever so slightly as she realized the truth. "Yes, it does. You do. Maybe that's what I was looking for." Still, he heard her breathe deeply. "I'm afraid if I leave this room I'll forget again."

_That_ wasn't like her. And he reacted too physically for her to ignore.

"Can I show you something?" she asked quietly, searching to meet his eyes again.

Slowly he nodded and she slipped her hands from out of his and stood slowly. She stepped closer to him. There was so much trust between them that he wasn't really nervous of what she might do, but he was still somewhat surprised with the ease in which her fingers began working at the front of her uniform tunic, pulling it apart to show her smooth light brown skin as it stretched from her belt to her face, disjointed now only by the black of her bra.

But it was on her lower stomach, to the left of her belly button that his attention was drawn. Just beneath the skin were small glowing points of light. They burned yellow and gold behind the lustrous flesh. He brought his fingers up to her belt line without thinking, brushing his fingertips lightly over the lights. Honestly… they were beautiful.

"It must've been an impact injury..." Shepard muttered quietly. "I must've landed on this side upon re-entry. I think they reconstructed most of this side, at least this hip." Her fingers trailed behind his as he tried to follow the wiring from the lights that glimmered through her skin. "The facial scars have healed but… I'll always have this. To remind me."

"To remind you of what happened to you. Not to make you forget who you are." Finally, he looked up at her, suddenly really aware of how close his face was to her bare stomach. But still he stayed. Her trust in him was comforting.

Her eyes shifted back and forth as she searched his, and he kept her gaze, not knowing what it was she was hoping to see.

"I told myself that," she explained, "it didn't seem as true then as when you said it just now."

Something moved behind her vivid orbs that finally made him feel a little nervous, and he dropped his eyes back down to her cybernetics. With feathery touches he traced the lights again, but this time goosebumps rose on her flesh across her abs and up her stomach.

"Sorry," she apologized sheepishly, covering his hand with hers so he wouldn't pull away. "That wasn't intentional. It's just… this is the most skin contact I've had with anyone in what I guess is actually years."

Gloves and armor. Shepard's world was one where no one was ever really close enough to _touch_. Another thing that probably contributed to her problems, Joker surmised. He literally felt everything he touched. It was strange how much that probably contributed to the sense of being alive.

He looked up at her again in understanding, but saw a face he hadn't before. She held his gaze in a stare he couldn't escape from. Even as she began pulling his hand with hers up over her stomach, between her breasts lightly and then pressed it to her sternum. But he didn't see that, just her eyes. He hadn't realized his hand was being held tightly against her naked skin until he felt her heart beat.

"I don't even know if that's real." She told him solidly, not releasing him from her gaze yet. "If I actually have heart or… a fuel pump."

Joker kept his eyes with her, not trusting himself to watch what he was doing as he leaned forward and kissed her stomach, tickling her with his beard. Beneath his palm, her pulse quickened, and the rhythm of her heartbeat increased in pace.

He knew that he had done it to prove a point, but after that he was paralyzed, unbelieving of what he'd just done. Shepard for her part seemed to have a similar problem.

At least until her free hand went to his face, caressing his cheek sweetly before leaning down and kissing him.

He closed his eyes as he felt her lips press against his. It took him a moment to react, even in fear, before kissing lightly back. It only lasted for a moment, but he opened his eyes again just in time to see her do the same.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. But she didn't move. She was still achingly close.

"Shepard, I can't," he said quickly. Something in his stomach tightened but he ignored it, knowing he was right. "This isn't about me. You're just feeling alone right now."

She huffed lightly, but instead of pulling away from him she kneeled between his legs, getting her face even with his. "I know you don't like hearing you're wrong..."

She lifted both hands to his face now, and he just stopped breathing. "In the last month I've begun to second guess the Alliance, and second guess myself. I've lost the friends I thought would always stand by me and instead I'm putting my life in the hands of allies that would most likely shoot me in the back if someone offered them the right amount of credits. It plays with my head and my emotions, and the only thing that has remained constant over the past three years…"

She'd paused and sighed at herself for not finding the right words to finish her sentence, and Joker still hadn't breathed. His stomach fluttered once more as he saw her drag her eyes across the contours of his face.

He purposefully sought her gaze again, and met her blues orbs, hoping his own eyes didn't betray the fear that tingled on the edges of his nerves. Fear for what she might say. Or perhaps what she wouldn't.

"The only thing that has remained the same since I took my posting on the old Normandy," she tried again, "is… my feelings for you."

He wanted to say something, but suddenly his motor and speech skills had been completely disengaged. After years of sneaking glances at the most remarkable woman he'd ever met, she was saying… _what_?

He was feeling so much he wasn't even sure where to start. His lips parted but her fingers fell over them, dousing him with disabling nectar.

"This doesn't have to be about that," she told him, though she tilted her head and looked down at her arms for a brief second in thought. "I wasn't even sure I was ever going to tell you…"

Joker felt words bubbling up his throat, but he wasn't even sure which ones they were. His lips must've moved against her fingertips because she pressed back with them gently.

"What I meant to say, Joker, was that you make me feel like me. And that's what I need right now. If I lose myself now, I...

"I'll never make it through tomorrow," she admitted.

"So… the fate of the entire galaxy rests on me kissing you right now?" He quirked a half smile, silently berating himself for his dependence on teasing comments for security.

She huffed in laughter and looked down again, slightly shaking her head.

"Sorry," he added, "not the best time to make jokes. That's just... what I do."

"Nah," she smiled, "I wouldn't expect anything less. I don't mean to put any pressure on you, Joker. I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable and I don't want you to say or do anything you can't mean, you understand that right?"

All of a sudden, Joker understood a lot more than that. This was his moment. After years of thinking he'd come to terms with the fact that he would only ever be her talented pilot with which to have some witty banter, here was his opportunity to change their friendship forever, for better or worse. To cross the threshold and make them something else, without the luxury of knowing what it would or could become.

He could tell her everything. All the times he'd watched her move, or smiled to himself as she firmly, yet kindly, dealt with each obstacle as it threw itself in her path. He could tell her that he admired her strength, her determination, her outlook on life, the way she had treated him. Like a person, someone she respected, and not because of his disease.

He leaned in. "I understand," he said quietly. He was going to kiss her. He lifted his hands to take action but she caught them in her own and rubbed her cheeks along his knuckles sweetly.

Joker sucked a breath in sharply and involuntarily. He sought her eyes for further explanation and found himself completely disarmed by the emotion pooling just behind her pupils. There was a long silent moment when he was terrified of how she might react if he did what he wanted, and her fingers wrapped around his palms and massage the muscle slowly, and dare he say, sensually.

"Touch me, Joker…" she whispered breathily, closing her eyes and releasing his hands to do with as he wished.

He inhaled shakily before doing as she asked, watching his fingers instead of her face as they trailed down her stomach to spread across her abdomen lightly, following the subtle curves and valleys of her form.

She sighed and shivered against his fingertips as he danced them delicately back over her ribs, caressing the underside of her breasts before tracing the curve of them and continuing on. He curled his fingers as they slipped beneath the fabric still hanging off her shoulders, and with a smooth motion pushed her tunic down her arms so she could shimmy slowly out of it.

He then traced the muscles running over her shoulders across her collarbone, then around her neck. With careful thumbs he massaged the front of her throat.

She lolled her head back, a light airy sound escaping her lips as she exposed herself to him.

He finally licked his lips nervously before leaning forward and slowly kissing her throat. Then again, and again, a small sigh hissing from her each time.

The muscles in her neck moved beneath his lips and fingers as she tilted her head back up to meet his eyes. He drew in a slightly unstable breath as she ran her hands up his arms to his shoulders, then cupped the back of his head in one hand to pull him towards her. She held him there for a moment, her breath tickling his face. Her eyes deepened before him and he nearly got lost.

With a jerky movement suddenly his hand was on her cheek to stable them both. They both inhaled shortly, swaying a little with dizziness before finally kissing. Joker dragged his mouth over her lips, taking them in softly as he closed his eyes.

He placed one hand back over her heart as he kissed her, this time finding delight in the powerful beat. It pulsed beneath his palm, exciting him as much as the kiss. She slowly began to drive them with more deliberate motions, moving her lips with meaning against his.

Joker was somewhat surprised each time she touched him, and he was excessively aware of _her_, and who she was. Not just Commander Shepard, but the Shepard he had come to respect as a person, as a friend, as a companion. And in her own way she was making him respect her as a woman.

He felt her palms pushing against his chest, pressing into the muscle. Joker was losing himself to the feeling, and before he knew it their kisses were becoming more open, his tongue dangerously playing at the edge of Shepard's bottom lip.

Their breaths mixed between them hot and thick as Shepard began to push him back into his chair. She broke the kiss but kept their eyes locked as she rose from between his legs and slid her calves in along the outer edges of his thighs.

"Easy…" He warned under his breath, surprised by how low and rough his voice sounded. Still he wrapped his long fingers around her waist to support her she adjusted herself into a comfortable position. She kept her weight off his lap, instead leaning on his chest by snaking her arms around her neck and shoulders. Her eyes were deep as she smiled, pressing her chest against his as she stretched her body over him, forcing him further into the back of his seat with nowhere to go.

Joker felt her fingers twist into the base of his hair, her blunt nails gently scratching into his scalp as she captured his lips again, this time parting her mouth to encourage his tongue's entrance. He complied happily, finding his heart pounding inside his chest. He stroked her naked back with his fingertips, applying more pressure as the air around them began to thicken. Heat began to overpower them, and energy like electricity began to snap and crackle between their intertwining forms.

Shepard's first vocal moan was small, but it vibrated through his body, making him careless about anything other than her. He slid his hands down the length of her torso, over her hips and behind her rear, squeezing experimentally through the fabric of her uniform. He was rewarded with similar moan of approval, and he was pushed over the edge into danger. He pulled her against him be her rear, deepening the kiss hungrily as reality blurred away completely.

Her fingers twisted deeper and higher into his hair, inadvertently slipping his hat off his head. He couldn't even argue, since she used the advantage of the angle to pull him into her. The temperature was dizzying and he was forced to tear his mouth from hers for the sake of breathing, instead stretching to administer kisses to her neck.

"Joker…" Shepard whispered his name against his ear and his breath hitched. He pulled his lips away from her skin, desperately trying to reclaim his thoughts. Her hips had begun to sink against him in the heat and he shifted beneath her nervously.

"Are you okay?" She asked immediately, almost instantly relieving him of any weight she may have burdened on his legs.

He nodded and gave her a breathy 'yeah', but concern still etched its way onto her face. He felt her hands fiddle with his hat as she held it in between her fingers behind his head.

"Can you… erm…"

It was the first time he'd seen her stumble on words, and he knew what she was thinking. Darker more passionate images had flooded his mind every second of the last five minutes. He'd known this question was bound to come up from the sound of her voice when she'd ask him to touch her.

"Can we...?" She tried again, this time letting her charming smirk finish her sentence for her.

It'd been a long time for him. He'd come to terms long ago with the fact that he would never meet a woman who thought he was worth the trouble or patience of attempting a physical relationship.

But Shepard was… inherently _good_. And as he searched her face he found gentleness, kindness, and affection.

She was right, they were each other's best friend in the whole galaxy now. And he had trusted her with his life for so long. As he watched her free hand soothingly massage up and down his chest, he realized he'd already committed to trusting her with his body. And if he dared believe that she really did care for him…

"Yeah," he said, nodding, "_carefully_."

Shepard lifted one finger and trailed it down his cheek thoughtfully. "Are you-"

"I'm sure," he cut her off, "I want you, Shepard."

The boldness of his words surprised them both. He hadn't even meant to say it out loud, let alone in the raspy way it had slipped out. Shepard's eyes flared at the admission. Not with disgust or anger, but with fire he had long associated with lust, and in a flash her lips were against his again, hungry and powerful. He felt the small groan escape his throat and Shepard mewed in response.

It was shortly after that that she pulled herself away from him, with a look on her face that suggested her world had become as hazy as his own.

"Well, Mr. Moreau…" she finally said, gently retreating from him and stepping back on to the floor. She wore a deviously playful smile though, and she still held his hat. With an impish smile she pulled it on over her own hair, tilting it to the side. "Then I'll expect you to come and retrieve this from my quarters later."

He watched her body as she moved to fetch her tunic from the floor and shrugged it back on. Joker caught a glimpse of her glowing cybernetics as she began to straighten it and refasten the front across her chest.

"EDI…" she said, suddenly turning her attention to the AI. Joker found himself a little surprised that he had forgotten the third presence. He would've felt nervous for the fear of being spied on if he weren't so relieved by EDI's kindness to remain silent throughout their little episode.

"Do not worry, Commander," EDI said, her voice sounding suspiciously conspiratorial. "I fully intend to insist that Flight Lieutenant Moreau take a relief of his posting in about an hour for some desperately needed comfort and rest. Operative Lawson can sit in the cockpit until Joker has had adequate recess. That is, if you trust me to run programs and drives in his absence."

"Of course, EDI," Shepard said easily, tugging on the edges of her uniform once to smooth it out.

Joker breathed deeply as he watched her move, smirking to himself as she slinked back to the door with his hat. She turned back to him and gave him a smile that made him nearly stumble to his feet and follow her right down the bridge, through the CIC, and into the elevator.

"Don't keep me waiting too long, Joker." She bit her bottom lip for the slightest second before winking at him and turning on her heel.

He watched her leave and then spun in his chair, leaning his head back on the leather and exhaling. Her absence left him more aware of his own body temperature. He was burning up, and he groaned in his throat painfully.

It was the first time Joker had heard an AI literally _giggle_. "Problems, Jeff?"

He groaned again and shifted against the leather. "I'm so not going to make it a whole hour," he muttered lowly.

"One moment," EDI said.

Joker grunted a response and rubbed his neck. "What was that EDI?"

There was no reply and he shrugged it off, trying instead to clear his mind of Shepard's body. Or eyes… Or lips. Or skin.

"Damn it," he cursed and growled at himself, pressing a couple buttons redundantly in frustration.

"Operative Lawson is on her way, Mr. Moreau."

"You're being… encouraging," Joker grumbled, trying to smooth his hair with his fingers.

"Joker, you just went a full social encounter lasting over ten minutes with only one notable 'quip', as you call them."

"Your point?"

"Human studies on the extranet suggest that surrounding oneself with familiar people and objects are among the most effectively comforting and restoring practices for the nerves of the human psyche."

Joker rolled his eyes and turned his head to where EDI virtual interface was. "You actually think this is a good idea?"

"There seems to be a lot of data out available on the subject. Some scientists have suggested-"

"EDI…" he hurried her along.

"I don't pretend to understand human relationships, Joker. And even if I did, you two seem to have a very unique one by comparison. But elevated heart rates and an increase of positive facial expressions indicate many possible beneficial outcomes.

"And hormonal spikes and pheromone levels suggest that you are deeply attracted to the commander. Perhaps even hold complex feelings for her."

"Yeah, so?" he asked irritably. He'd gotten close to EDI, but there was no pilot's manual that could prepare him for a conversation with his own state-of-the-art frigate about whether or not he should pursue a physical relationship with his commanding officer.

"Your feelings are well hidden, Mr. Moreau. I feel slightly inadequate to not have noticed this connection earlier."

"I have every reason in the galaxy to believe that doing my job and ignoring whatever emotions I may have is for the greater benefit of me, the commander, and everyone serving under her."

"That is such a bleak perspective, all things considered."

"What other things are to be considered?" he asked, turning his dubious expression on EDI.

"Just that after weeks of health monitors and hardsuit downloads; in addition to my already sufficient collection of data on Commander Shepard's physiological profile, I can only come to the conclusion that… she likes you too."

Joker took interest in the way EDI had paused before finishing her sentence, as if wanting to make sure he heard every syllable.

It was the same sentence he repeated in his mind over and over like a mantra until Miranda arrived to take over.

And the image of his hands on Shepard's skin, the feeling of her breath on his ear, the sound of her confession on her lips all joined in and pushed him with determination, emotion, and desire, onto the elevator, with one finger poking nervously and repeatedly on the 'Commander's Quarters' selection.

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**Hope you enjoyed! If so, drop me a review. ;-)**


	2. Chapter 2: Found

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of it's associated characters.**

**NOTICE: If love scenes make you uncomfortable please skip and wait for chapter three. This story is designed so that it can be read without chapter two if that sort of thing really bothers you.**

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**Chapter 2: Found**

_"With every step, I rise and fall,_

_With everything to gain I end up losing it all._

_When the darkness sets in, _

_I scream out and your light sets me free."_

_-Blind as a Bat_, Meat Loaf

***

The doors to Shepard's quarters opened widely and Joker stepped inside, feeling surprisingly nervous. He searched the cool darkness, suddenly very aware of why he was there.

His commander rounded the corner, her face lighting up a little when she saw it was him. His breath quickened as she strode to him, pleased with the ease in which she snaked her arms around his shoulders and hugged him.

He held her waist tightly between his hands, holding her against him and trying to swallow down some of his renewed hunger. But it was her, he was holding _her_, and it excited him more that should've been allowed.

Shepard sighed his name right next to his ear and he felt it simmer and swell through his body. He wasn't sure what he was doing anymore. He meant to ask her questions, to say something, but his body took over. He moved them without realizing it, turning her and pressing her against the cool blue of her aquarium, all in an effort to press her further into him.

Once he'd efficiently trapped her in front of him she tilted her head back on the cool glass to look at him. He kept his hands trailing up and down her sides as he took in her face. The teal blue glowed from the water and lined her features, making her seem ethereal, and the blue reflected itself in her eyes.

Her hand brushed over his arms and shoulders, and her gaze softened before him.

"This wasn't what I intended when I went to visit you tonight," Shepard whispered through the air between them. Her hand went to his cheek in a gesture that was way too tender to hold only lust. "You already gave me the comfort I was seeking."

Joker found himself leaning into her palm and holding her tighter against him.

"I need to know you're here because you want to be," she continued, "and for no other reason than that."

Joker had long stopped thinking. He brought his hands underneath her arms and massaged her muscles, moving to pin her limbs up against the glass. He ran his fingers deeply and sensually over the soft skin on the underside of her arms. She drew an audible breath as he slid his fingertips up and down the sensitive flesh.

"And why in the galaxy would I want to be here?" he teased in his usual sarcastic tone, though he couldn't keep the grin out of his voice as he spoke. "Your annoying charm?" he kissed her cheek. "Your persistent smile?" he kissed her forehead. "Your blatant and sincere honesty?" her chin.

Joker paused and brought his lips to hers, so close that he could feel the heat exude from them. He wanted to kiss her so bad and she had begun to reach for him, but he enforced his grip on her arms to hold her back. But still they were close enough to share the same breath. "Why would I want any of that?"

"Joker…"

That sound did him in and he lost his ability to keep his mouth from her. He kept her arms held in place but leaned down to plant kisses on her neck, his own pulse racing faster with the touch than perhaps his victim's.

He shifted the duties of his hands, locking both wrists in one grip to allow his other hand to delve into folds at the front of her tunic. He took the responsibility of removing her clothing this time, undoing the various fastenings over her stomach first and slipping his hand inside. The skin inside was hotter than he remembered. She was burning up, and her stomach muscles flexed and contracted against his palm.

Joker felt a rush of blood course straight through his system, and he was scarcely aware of anything else.

He tugged at the fabric until her torso was once again exposed to him and instead of reacting upon her permission, he took what he wanted now, moving his kisses down her neck and her chest. His arms strained as he moved down and he was forced to release her wrists.

Once free, Shepard was able to move more easily and immediately tore off the rest of her jacket for him. She was dexterous, quick, and started reaching for him with the same enthusiasm he had once seen her reach for a weapon.

Though he had been always a little self conscious about his disease (though he'd never admit it), he was somewhat proud of his upper body strength. So instead of bending down, he picked her up and held her against the glass so he could move his lips down her abs, kissing down the line of her stomach. She gasped a little, even delightedly so when he picked her up, and it made him smile internally.

As he worked his way across the silk wrapped steel of her muscled body he reveled in her taste. Yet he saved his most slow and tender kiss for the flesh that lay over her luminous cybernetics. It was after that that he felt Shepard's fingers comb into his hair heatedly, urging him back up her body. He complied, kissing his way back up to her face and gently letting her fall back into his arms.

As soon as she could reach her hands began pulling and grasping at his shirt, and he was almost violently reminded of what was happening.

He pulled back briefly, unsure of even why. Shepard met his eyes and things between slowed down for a moment. She still moved in deliberate, but gentle motions, lifting his shirt over his head and dropping it to the floor.

She rubbed his chest suggestively while keeping hold of his gaze. It was soothing, comforting, and it allowed him the minute he needed to adjust to this.

Finally, she dropped her eyes to his chest, following the path her fingers made against the small patch of hair she found there. "Oh my god…" she whispered, laughing nervously, "I can't believe we're doing this."

He realized then that she was nervous. It reached Joker on a new level, and he finally understood the true magnitude of their actions. This wasn't just about comfort for her anymore. She cared about him, and he her, and she was scared now. Scared of what this might mean for them. This wasn't about sex, it wasn't about alleviating her fears, it was about them being there for each other, and making the decision to be _more_.

"Me neither," he whispered back. But he laced his fingers through her and lifted her hand to his mouth, kissing her knuckles sweetly before letting their hands fall between them once more. "So, we'll take it slow."

It was the most serious statement he'd said in years. And without explaining, he knew she understood _all _the things he was referring to.

Shepard squeezed his hand, and then slowly began pulling him with her further into her room. He shuffled after her, nerves and desire mixing together dangerously.

She walked backwards, guiding him through the dim light to the edge of the bed with a kind and affectionate smile. Once they'd reached it she kissed him again, slowly and sweetly, greeting his tongue when he ventured inside her mouth.

As they maneuvered together she directed his hands back to her body, and he grazed her skin lovingly. Feeling brave Joker slid his fingers up to her breasts, caressing and exploring the flesh through her bra.

Shepard made a small noise of approval, and Joker felt her cool smooth fingertips on his lower abdomen as another line of fire triggered down his insides. He grew deliriously hot as he felt her pull the front of his pants away from his body and slip her hand inside.

Joker gasped involuntarily as he felt her nails gently scraped through the sensitive patch of hair.

"Jesus Christ," he breathed in torture, breaking their kiss.

She didn't comment though, only moved her mouth down to his neck and nipped at his neck. He fought the urge to swear again with great difficulty.

In retribution his hands found their way down the smoothness of her back to her rear and he massaged and groped meaningfully. But Shepard played back, sneaking her hand down to grasp the extremity that had steadily begun to harden since first feeling her touch when he'd arrived.

His reaction was both instantaneous and involuntary. He swore under his breath again and powerfully pulled her hips possessively into his by her ass.

Apparently it was all the encouragement she needed, and her hands forced the fabric off his hips, along with his briefs as far down as they could go with his leg brace in place. It was with trust that he let her rotate him and push him into falling back on the bed. But she had been careful, and he was easily able to regain himself, leaning back on his elbows to watch her come to stand between his feet.

She leaned over him and stroked his cheek softly with a tender smile. Then she turned her attention to his leg brace, unfastening it with quick finesse.

"So… about this," she started, her tone silky but firm, "how careful do we need to be?"

When she had removed his brace she moved down to remove his boots, working efficiently while somehow still managing to watch his face.

It was one of those awkward conversations Joker would rather have liked to avoid, especially since it was one what he so rarely needed to have. But it was also because it took place in his most vulnerable state; naked, lying exposed to the most incredible woman he'd ever met.

"My hips can take the weight," he said lowly, laying back and looking at the ceiling. His fingers drummed against his chest in anxiety of his confession. "But my legs might not be able to. We'll have to take it slow… and gentle."

"Then we will," she said as he felt her remove his second boot. She had said it so easily he wasn't sure he could look at her yet. He settled for closing his eyes.

"Hey," she probed gingerly.

There was sweetness in her voice, sympathy. Joker _hated_ it. He felt a bubble of resentment in his stomach and he hated _that_ even more.

"Hey, look at me," she pleaded from her place near his feet.

"Joker, look at me!" she said louder, more solidly, and he found himself finally obeying, taking a little assurance in knowing that she wasn't going to attempt dancing around the issue.

He propped himself up on his arms and opened his eyes.

"Oh, _wow_," he rasped immediately.

Shepard smirked at his expression as he drank her in. She'd worked fast and had disposed of the rest of her own clothing as well while he'd had his eyes closed. She stood in front of him now naked and exposed, and he gulped hungrily.

His groin ached at the swell of her bare breasts, the smooth curves and lines of her womanly waist, hips, and thighs. And to the lower left of her belly button, enhanced by the very dim grey light of her bedroom, glowed the illustrious gold lights of her cybernetics. Their brightness was rivaled only by the light in her eyes.

"Oh my god," he said tightly, swallowing heavily. Her body was more beautiful in reality than he had ever been able to imagine.

Shepard used his paralysis to finally extract the rest of his clothing and let it fall to the ground. He watched eagerly with renewed desire as she finally climbed onto the bed, a hand and knee on each side of him as she crept up his body. She planted very few kisses on him in her journey, one on his stomach, one on his chest, one on his neck, before leveling her face with his and finally kissing his lips.

In her actions her stomach brushed across his erection and he nearly whined. He lay back on the bed, pulling her to him in the desperate need to touch her.

"Mr. Moreau," Shepard whispered in his ear coyly, and he listened intently as he cravingly cupped her breasts. He ran his thumbs over her nipples languidly, eliciting a small moan from her that resonated right next to his ear. It added to the grin she'd already laced her voice in. "I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but it has been a long time for me."

She was saying it too playfully for him to truly be worried, but he played along. "Oh, really?"

"Yes." She bit his ear and he inhaled sharply. His heart was pounding now, and he could feel the inside of her thighs rub against his hips as she continued to stretch herself out so she could tease his ear. "So, I'll need you to be slow and gentle with me, okay?"

He knew what she was doing, giving him a way to let _her_ be the one with a disability, to blame her instead of himself. Later he thought that it could've very easily upset him, but instead, he felt himself fall a little more in love with her.

He nodded slowly, turning into her face to draw her lips to his own, kissing her deeply, passionately, with meaning and intention.

He felt her whole body breathe him in above him and his hands began working on their own, more on instinct than memory.

His right one went to her neck and the base of her head, to keep her locked right there where he could taste her. His other slid down her chest, deeply pressing his fingertips into the skin as he pushed them down her stomach. And with a small moan of encouragement, further down to in between her thighs, seeking the heated moisture of Shepard's core. When he found what he was looking for he slipped his fingertips inside.

The temperature and dampness turned him on almost as much as Shepard's reaction. She gasped and tightened to his touch immediately.

"Joker…" Her open mouth dragged across his cheek hotly as he taunted her with his fingers.

The sound of her saying his name that way nearly drove him insane. He wanted to be inside of her, all of a sudden that need dominated his thoughts, but he held off. She held an immeasurable sexual power over him, and he would not last long if he indulged himself too soon.

He released his hold on her head and used the hand instead to grab her waist, guiding her with subtle pulls to scoot farther up his body. She did as he implied with a weak groan, her own hands grasping for the top of her headboard. It was damned sexy to see and he had to force himself to focus on what he was doing instead.

With her stretched over him he was able to reach her breasts with his mouth, and he took one nipple between his lips, tracing it with the tip of his tongue. Meanwhile he kept his fingers working the inside of her lower lips, stroking her tantalizingly.

Shepard gave a strangled moan above him in torture. She'd begun to ask for him, but he had somehow managed to retain his concentration, rewarding each sound she made with a change in massaging direction, with both his tongue and his fingers.

He wouldn't be able to restrain himself much longer with her breathing so heavily above him, her body getting so hot it was scorching to the touch.

For due diligence he switched breasts, suckling on the second one instead for what he feared might be his last few moments of composure.

"Joker, please…"

He nearly groaned into her skin at her plea. He was running out of time, and patience, his body begging him to give into what they both wanted.

He was losing himself to the thick waves of heat laying over him. He lightly bit into Shepard's breast, at the same moment pushing his fingers as deep into her as the angle would allow. Above him, Shepard groaned and arched almost violently against his points of contact.

"God _damn_ you, Joker! Please!" she whined when she'd regained the gasp of air she'd lost.

"Yes," he conceded, but it sounded more like a broken growl, even to him. "Yes."

Shepard's trained body shifted with agility almost the second he'd agreed. She moved back down to his hips, all the weight on her own knees as she kneeled, poised above his cock. Just the sight of her that way made him throb, and he sensed a needy whimper climb its way up his throat.

Shepard herself was breathing harshly, her hands clawed at him as she tried to steady herself. "Are you ready?" she rasped.

He nodded quickly, his own chest rose heavily and all he felt was want. His hands went to her thighs and hips and he continued to nod, unable to actually speak.

Shepard bit her lip and nodded as well, locking her eyes with his as she reached down to guide him, and then slowly, _so slowly_, slid herself down on top of him.

"Oh _fuck_, Shepard," he hissed, closing his eyes tightly as he tried to recapture his control. His fingers dug into her skin without him even being aware of it.

The feeling was indescribable. She didn't move again for a moment, instead panting as her walls blanketed and adjusted around him. It was incredible, the feeling of her. Joker knew it had been a long time, but he had never remembered it quite like this; all warmth and softness and emotion.

It took a moment before she tried again, drawing herself up and then descending upon him again, slowly and gently as they had discussed. But it was perhaps the most insanely powerful experience he'd ever had. In contrast to the animalistic way his body wanted to react, their forcibly tender pace drew out each movement until they could feel every single muscle and centimeter of each other as she slid over him. The torture of forced self control was more intense and more potent than gratification.

He wanted her so bad, and her him, that every second of having to be slow and careful stole every moan of pleasure and twisted it into continuing whimpers of desire, making a powerful hybrid that filled the room as he lost himself to delirious passion.

Joker's palm splayed heatedly across Shepard's lower abdomen to feel the flexing and tightening in her stomach with each thrust, his palm slightly slipping over the thin sheen of sweat that had appeared on her skin. Their touches had all become like this, messy, sweaty, hot, and desperate.

He was losing himself… he desperately tried to hold onto anything that could make him last longer, but Shepard's body, her moans, and her heartbeat dominated every sense of what was real.

Her muscles hugged him tightly and her legs quivered and shuddered in fervid restraint. And she'd begun to mutter to him, though he could scarcely focus on it.

"Joker," she breathed fiercely, "Joker!"

He wasn't sure how she managed it, how she was able to continue to contain herself and torturously drag out each plunge, but it was effective. Very effective.

"Yes," he somehow managed between gasps, his whole body as shaky as his breath, "mmm, fuck yes."

He was so close now, so close to exploding that words and thoughts bled together. All he knew was Shepard, all he owned was Shepard, all he wanted was Shepard.

"Oh god, Joker!" she prayed, and her whole core tightened over him as she reached her peak.

And it was his undoing. He exploded in fire with a cry he hadn't even realized he'd released until it was ringing in his ears.

He groaned immediately afterwards in disbelief of the intensity, and he panted wildly beneath the collapsed form of his commander as she fell against his chest. Her heartbeat pounded forcibly against his and he could feel it pulse through her skin as they lay in a sweaty, heaving heap, each trying to reclaim their ability to breathe.

It took a few moments for the exploding euphoria and sudden exhaustion to ebb away. He wrapped his arms around her as she quivered on top of him, lovingly pulling his fingertips through her hair.

"Oh my god," he finally managed to tell her, "you may be the most magnificently life-threatening thing that has ever happened to me."

She laughed airily into his chest then tilted her face up to look at him. "Mmm," she said, smiling. Her eyes still somehow managed to sparkle despite the fatigue hidden behind them. "I think this officially makes me yours. If you want me," she added, teasingly.

He continued to brush her hair but dropped his head back on the bed tiredly. "Ah geeze, it sure sounds like a lot of responsibility."

Shepard nudged him playfully and finally hauled herself off of him, instead burying herself into his side. He sighed dramatically but put his arm around her shoulders, letting her lay her head in the crook he'd created for her. She clutched herself to him with an arm around his stomach and completed her grapple of his body by intertwining her outer leg carefully with his.

"Ugh," he eventually overstated "I guess I can handle it."

"Hmm… the price of love," she tossed back sarcastically.

Shepard snuggled tighter into him, and he was swept up in a sentimental emotion. He felt amazing in that moment, like he had when he'd fired the last shot that took Sovereign down; like he could do anything.

If he had ever dreamed this could happen, he never would've waited this long to let her know how he felt.

"What are you thinking about, handsome?"

He grunted and looked at the ceiling, sleep beginning to weigh heavily on his eyes. He could hear it in Shepard's voice too. "I was thinking," he said quietly, closing his eyes, "that I just signed my death warrant." He wasn't sure his heart could endure too many more experiences like this one.

"Mmm, I'll take care of you," she replied lazily.

He sighed and carefully rolled to turn in to face her. She allowed him the space he needed to adjust before curling back into him, ducking her head into his chest. It was a position he'd never thought he'd be in, but one that felt wonderfully… natural.

He gathered her up in his arms and pulled her against him, feeling her as soft and warm against him, when most others would call her near the opposite. She sighed sweetly into his skin as she got comfortable, and he kissed her forehead.

Part of him wanted to stay awake, to continue loving her until neither of them could move. But outside of the cool darkness of her quarters time was still turning, and tomorrow, they would go where no ship had ever survived.

She needed to sleep, and he needed to not think about all the ways in which tomorrow could mean a lifetime of difference for them, whether they died, or not. And he needed to avoid going over how long they could've been doing this if he'd ever once spoken up in his head.

And most of all he needed to fall asleep, so he could wake up the next day and beginning proving to her that he could take care of her as well; protect her from ever feeling alone in the universe again.

And he'd never again let her question who she was. Because this woman… was his.

* * *

**I wanted to finish this tonight but I'm soooo tired. Please send a review so I can have the motivation to get my ass in gear and finished this. Final installment soon to follow....**


	3. Chapter 3: Home

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect. Tragic, I know. I cry myself to sleep every night.**

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**Chapter 3: Home**

_"I'm not afraid to shed all my skin,_

_I'm not afraid of the faults you see._

_I'm tearing down these walls right now,_

_They're coming down, 'cause I believe..."_

_-Blind as a Bat, _Meat Loaf

***

"How was it out there?" Joker asked Thane, trying not to sound too anxious over Shepard's plan.

Thane had arrived only five minutes ago with the recovered crew members of the Normandy. They all were in med bay right now, and Chakwas, despite being captured herself, had insisted that she log each member of personnel's health status upon return.

Thane, it seemed, had been unable to stand still himself, opting instead to pace the bridge and drive Joker slowly insane while he tried to conduct repairs with EDI.

However, much to Joker's frustration, communication with Shepard had been compromised by the Collector swarms. He'd overhead her plan, and now it was a waiting game to see if she made it to the other side. And he hated it.

"It was… glorious."

"Yeah, I hear those gruesome piles of corpses are referential to Monet's art," Joker scoffed.

"Excuse me?"

"It's just that I find your choice of words… unsatisfactory," Joker tried again with a frown.

"It _was_ glorious," Thane said again, his low voice cryptic as always. Just another thing that was irritating the hell out of Joker. "It is indescribable, beyond both verbal description and non-visual comprehension."

"Yeah, whatever," Joker muttered agitatedly. "EDI, what's our status on our ground teams?"

"Personal scanners showing steady movement. All targets are being neutralized without hazardous complications. So far."

"Good, keep me updated."

"Of course, Joker," EDI answered. "I also have regained 65% of the Normandy's power, if you were interested."

Joker nodded but didn't answer. He kept trying to bring his piloting monitors up without the ever epileptic fit-inciting flicker.

"Do you think the commander's plan will work?" Thane pressed again.

"Hey, if you're going to be up here can you at least make yourself useful and see if you can get the navigation station back online?"

Thane didn't answer and after a moment Joker turned to see if he'd heard. The alien was leaning over the console in question and doing as the pilot had asked. Joker still found it creepy that anyone could move that silently.

"You didn't answer my question," the assassin pried.

"I've seen Shepard pull off more miracles than a certified saint," Joker answered roughly. "She'll do it. I know she will. She doesn't know howto fail."

"You have great confidence in her."

_Said the overgrown grasshopper_, Joker thought. Wow, Shepard had been right; he can get brutal when he's truly irritated.

"Was it strange, going from being friends to something more?" Thane asked when Joker didn't respond.

"How did you find out- you know what, no, how did that even become your business?" Joker rotated fully now to face the man spouting the invasive questions.

Thane's big dark eyes blinked and his shoulders lifted in an awkward shrug. "To your first question, I have been trained since the age of six to pick of even the slightest variations in people's interactions. To your second… I was simply curious. You show a heightened amount of concern but also a great deal of respect. I was only intrigued."

"Oh. Well, oh…" Joker said to himself, turning away from Thane again to return to his monitors.

Speaking of Shepard, he should've heard from her by now.

"Well, if I may ask again… was it?"

"No it wasn't," Joker sighed irritably. Still, that answer had come to him instantly. He hadn't needed to even think about it. It was with seriousness that he finally understood why. "It felt like… we should've been together the whole time."

"An interesting dynamic."

Joker rolled his eyes, feeling his divulging mood die just as quickly as it had flared. "Look, you asked, I gave an answer, and it was more descriptive than 'glorious'." He dramatically overstated the last word, and he heard the drell produce a short snort of laughter.

"Shepard to Normandy, come in Joker." Shepard's strong alto filled the cockpit, and with a palpable sigh of relief Joker's fingers began waltzing over his amber keys.

"Nomandy here, Commander," he said, feeling a strange smile form on his lips.

"We're about to make our final push. Will the Normandy be ready for takeoff?"

"I should regain enough of my original power by then to get us outside the blast radius of the explosion, Commander," EDI announced. "Though I will not have enough to fire weapons again should we need them."

"Then we'd better make sure we do this right," Shepard's voice responded.

"I'll work on the ship, commander," Joker interjected. "You just focus on getting out of there without so much as a broken nail," he tried to keep the worry out, but unfortunately the only emotion left in his tone was anxiety and irritation.

"Yeah, I love you too, Joker."

It sounded like a joke, and he wasn't sure anyone else would know the difference, but behind him he could _tell_ the assassin smiled. Joker shook his head. He couldn't hear the damn man cross the floor behind him, but he could sense him _smirk_.

"Kick some Collector ass for me, ma'am," he finished, intending to save sweeter words for a time he could say them to her face…

"Then get your ass back home."

***

"They're not going to make it in time!" Thane explaimed, frantically moving about the cabin, no doubt feeling as helpless as Joker was at the moment.

Shepard would've made it just fine with time to spare if the Illusive man hadn't wasted so much time delivering his mad-man speech about trying to keep a Reaper pet. Joker wanted to say a whole lot of things in that moment, but now that Shepard had started the countdown, only to then spend an additional five minutes _killing_ the damn thing, he had only a couple of choice words that were at the forefront of his mind.

"Fuck that!" Joker shouted back at the drell. EDI fired up the engines and he guided the Normandy off the hull of the Collector base.

Behind him, Thane was putting a new thermal clip in his pistol.

"You better load an assault rifle while you're at it," Joker growled to him, hastily guiding the Normandy to where EDI pinpointed Shepard's exit.

The Normandy's powerful heart hummed to life as it floated now next to the base.

"We're running out of time, Jeff!" EDI announced.

"Keep it to yourself, EDI," he muttered, but still opening a comm link with the commander. "Come on, Shepard, move your god damn ass!"

"We see you!" Shepard's voice was frantic, her breathing labored. "But we can't get to you. We're pinned down and there's no cover between us and you!"

"EDI, take control of systems!" Joker shouted, already beginning to stand, "I'm going to provide cover fire for Shepard!"

"Joker-" the computer began to argue, but he already on his feet, moving as fast as possible and yanking the assault weapon Thane proffered with an extended hand.

"Don't argue, damn it! Just open the airlock!"

He heard Shepard shout to the others of her squad to press forward as EDI obeyed.

The doors swung open as Joker approached them and he took sight of the great cavern the team was trying to fight through.

Shepard stood towards the back, gesturing wildly at the few people behind her to get them to move faster.

Joker began firing, trying to take aim for the first few moments to take out the few Collectors that were practically nipping at their heels. Next to him, Thane was waiting with outstretched arms to pull Jack, who was the first to reach them, onto the ship.

In one swift motion the drell pulled the biotic with enough momentum to throw her almost immediately into the protection of the ship before turning to reach for the next person.

Meanwhile, Joker watched his commander hurl herself over a block of debris and make a controlled fall onto the ground on the other side. She sunk to the floor, take cover for a moment before kneeling and shooting behind her to distract the enemy while the others made a mad dash to the ship.

EDI began pulling a little from the base in warning, letting them know that they were down to seconds to escape.

Next to him, Krios began grunting as he hauled each person across the gap, the last one, Garrus, jumped and pushed the others back inside the cover of the hull.

"Come on, Shepard!" Joker shouted over the firing of his own weapon. "It's only you!"

The Normandy began to pull away and Joker nearly screamed at EDI to stay.

Across the way, Shepard nodded and rose, still firing but more sporratically as she began backing towards the ship.

"NOW!" Joker screamed, suddenly holding the trigger continuously to mow down the swarms that were desperately trying to reach her.

She finally turned, full-on sprinting to the ship, dropping her uselessly empty rifle in the process. Her feet flew beneath her, but Joker's heart grew cold. How much longer, twenty seconds? Fifteen? Even if she reached him could they escape the blast in time?

The gap was larger now, she might not make it. He could hear Shepard's crew, her family, crying out to move just a little bit faster. Even Jack was swearing her bald, arrogant head off.

In the last moment that Shepard had solid ground beneath her feet she lunged, a yawp of her own sounding as she threw herself at the ship.

Joker caught her. Clasping her forearm strongly in his he pulled forcefully, making her nearly collide with his body as he wrenched her violently to him. He held her tightly against his waist for a moment, shouting to EDI to get them the hell out of there as he unloaded the rest of his thermal clip into their pursuers.

EDI immediately did as he asked, picking up speed so fast Joker had to pin himself and Shepard to the wall before throwing her inside the airlock and dashing in after her.

He hobbled as fast as he could manage to the controls, bellowing commands to EDI as she drove them away, knowing the explosion would not be far behind the ship.

They seemed to only be shouting back and forth, Joker hearing nothing even when it was him that was speaking, all that mattered was getting away-

_BOOM!_

Explosions, the sound of cracking rock cascaded around their ears and the ship pitched forward dangerously, her inhabitants crying out and falling to the ground in the violent rumble.

Joker thought for a terrifying moment that it was all over, he could swear he could hear the crackling of melting material somewhere deep within the ship.

But the darkness never came.

It was with shock that he realized he was still _alive_. The blast doors were closed around the observation windows, and Joker couldn't see anything around them. But the Normandy had steadied… and all was calm around them.

"Holy _fuck_," Jack sounded, breathlessly. Joker turned to see the bridge littered with the bodies of the team, all huddled and collapsed next to each other, panting heavily after their run. "Did we seriously just survive that?"

Further down the hall Mordin began laughing. Weakly at first, then more maniacally until the others all turned to watch him go into hysterical shock.

"Great, the mad scientist has finally cracked," Garrus said with smile. And soon the bridge combusted with laughter, everyone snickering madly, simply in desperation to somehow express their relief.

It was the last thing anyone expected to see after such a fight, but there was no other reaction to be had in that moment. Jacob was chuckling so hard, he fell on his side from where he'd been sitting and pounded the floor weakly; Which in turn caused Miranda to snicker and clutch her stomach as she gasped for air. Thane and Samara produced quiet but still very real chortles as well.

Grunt's low rumble bled and mixed with Zaeed and Jack's naturally dark sounding tones, and it somehow harmonized with the metallic clicks of Legion, Garrus, and Tali's bouts of giddiness. And Shepard... Her bright laugh dance over the top of it as she leaned her sweaty head against the bulkhead.

"We did alright, team," she said, her white smile a beacon of light behind flushed lips and a bloody cut that spread across the left side of her mouth. "I'm damn proud."

The laughter began to die after her words as they all looked at her, feeling the same pride for what they'd just accomplished.

"Aye, aye, for Commander Shepard," Jacob finally said, "the hardest and luckiest son of a bitch in the whole damn galaxy."

"Aye, aye," they all repeated.

Joker watched with warm love for the most amazing woman born of the galaxy. And she was _his_.

None of them showed any signs of moving, all exhausted, euphoric, and shocked. Joker slid to Shepard's side, sitting next to her and grabbing her hand as the small army she had cultivated all sat in camaraderie, without the words to say much else.

With careful fingers Joker reached up to Shepard's bloodied lips and pulled the bottom one carefully from her gums, examining the wound. She winced slightly but otherwise showed no acknowledgment of the pain.

"Anyone got any left over medigel?" he asked the group as he tenderly brushed his thumb across the cut.

Mordin began digging around in his suit but Shepard lifted her hand to indicate he shouldn't. Joker let go of his hold on her lip a watched her curiously as she knitted her fingers through his.

"Nah, I'll keep it," she said. "I kind of like the idea of having a scar again."

She looked around at her companions and sighed, a contented smile settling on her expression. She was bruised and sweaty, her hair was a near matted mess, her grip on Joker's hand was sweet but tired...

But as he slipped his other arm around her, he felt her become the most relaxed he'd seen her in weeks.

"For the first time in a long time," she said quieter, turning her head a little bit so it was as though she were speaking just to him, "things are exactly as they should be."

_"Your love is blind, blind as a bat,_

_The way that you're leading me home like that._

_Your love is blind, blind as a bat..."_

**The End**

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**There we have it! My first Shoker fic! See, I *told* you it could be done! XD Sending you my love! I hope you enjoyed. :)**


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